Committing Herbicide

(From 1999) 

I’m not one of those people who talks to plants.  I like plants just fine, but I think they should be talking to each other -- chatting about root rot, or pollination, or whatever.  I have nothing to say to them.  At least, not to most of them.  I do have a few choice words for a specific kind of plant: my enemy, my nemesis, and my curse: Creeping Charlie.

Creeping Charlie is a distant relative of the mint family, known for their gum.  Creeping Charlie has a Latin name, but nobody I know cares what it is.  I have some special names for Creeping Charlie, but this is a family oriented newspaper, so I will keep them to myself. 

Here’s what Creeping Charlie does: it takes over your lawn.  It’s like some sort of insidious lawn-rash that spreads until there is no lawn left.

From a distance you can’t really notice Creeping Charlie, because it, like grass, is green.  And, to its credit, it does have some pretty flowers in the late spring. 

Some people might even like the smell of Creeping Charlie, but I am not among them.  To me it smells like a cross between Double-mint gum and sewage.  That wonderful smell that most people get when they mow their lawns is something I can only enjoy vicariously.   Is it wrong to want to smell other people’s lawns? 

Unfortunately, Creeping Charlie isn’t particularly susceptible to weed killers.  It laughs at Weed-B-Gone.  Actually, it is a fairly dumb sounding name.  Lawn experts say there is a way to kill Creeping  Charlie.  You have to “treat” your lawn with a broad-leaf killer, and then, a few weeks later when the Creeping Charlie is exhausted from laughing so hard, you sneak up on it again for another attack.  We’ll see how that works.

I figure there are two options if it doesn’t.  One is to spray Round-up on the whole lawn, and the rest of the county – just to be safe.  That approach may be environmentally irresponsible.  The other is to move.  I’d miss our house.  And what’s left of our lawn.  And my family.

But, this is war.  It’s either me, or Creeping Charlie.  This yard ain’t big enough for the both of us.   If it wants to negotiate, fine.  I’ll give it a patch someplace in the back yard, but that’s it.  Just a patch.  If I give in to the Creeping Charlie, I’ll never be able to face up to the crab grass.